Trump's nutty 'TOTAL IMMUNITY' post really means: 'PRESIDENTS CAN BREAK ALL LAWS!'

Former president and current criminal defendant Donald Trump is now begging the U.S. Supreme Court to get involved in his attempt to get a federal election interference case dismissed, claiming he has presidential immunity. In a lengthy all-caps missive posted Thursday, Trump insisted presidents must have “TOTAL IMMUNITY,” even for things that “CROSS THE LINE,” writing “HOPEFULLY THIS WILL BE AN EASY DECISION. GOD BLESS THE SUPREME COURT!”

To keep Trump from expending all his crazy juice on this issue, I’ve taken the liberty of adding some additional deep thoughts, complete with his all-caps style, that he can post on his Truth Social account. I swear, no one will know the difference:

IT IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, AND VERY DANGEROUS, TO ATTEMPT TO HOLD A PRESIDENT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR “CRIMES” HE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE DONE WHILE BEING THE BEST PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, ALTHOUGH MANY SAY I WAS THE BEST PRESIDENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY, BECAUSE I DEFINITELY DID NOTHING WRONG WHILE MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

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WITHOUT TOTAL, ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE IMMUNITY, AN AMAZING AND HANDSOME PRESIDENT WHO IS ONE OF THE BEST GOLFERS ANYONE HAS EVER PLAYED WOULD BE UNABLE TO DO HIS JOB AND LEAD THE COUNTRY, ESPECIALLY IF THAT JOB INVOLVED DOING SOME THINGS THE DEEP STATE MIGHT CONSIDER “ILLEGAL” OR “UNCONSTITUTIONAL.”

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR A STRONG AND POWERFUL PRESIDENT TO BE PERFECT, JUST AS IT’S NOT POSSIBLE FOR A STRONG AND POWERFUL BUSINESSMAN TO BE PERFECT. SOMETIMES THEY MAKE MISTAKES, EVEN IF WELL INTENDED, LIKE ACCIDENTALLY HAVING SEX WITH A PORN STAR WHILE THEIR WIFE IS HOME WITH A NEWBORN BABY. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME, PERSONALLY, BUT IT IS A TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE THING THAT NO THIRD WIFE SHOULD STILL BE MAD ABOUT.

NO PRESIDENT SHOULD BE AFRAID TO APPOINT HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER – SO BEAUTIFUL! – AND HER CREEPY HUSBAND TO HIGH-RANKING WHITE HOUSE POSITIONS FROM WHICH THEY LATER RECEIVE HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY FROM FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS. THAT IS JUST A FAKE EXAMPLE I’M MAKING UP, BUT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND HOW DISTRACTING IT WOULD BE FOR A PRESIDENT IF HE HAD TO FOLLOW LAWS RATHER THAN JUST DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER IN HIS LIFE HAD TO FACE CONSEQUENCES.

FURTHERMORE, I HEREBY DECLARE THAT PRESIDENTS SHOULD NOT ONLY HAVE TOTAL IMMUNITY, THEY SHOULD ALSO BE ALLOWED TO BREAK WHATEVER SO-CALLED LAWS THEY WANT, BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THEIR TIME IN OFFICE.

I ignored Trump and the GOP for 2 weeks.The volume of stupidity I missed is unreal.

SO, JUST TO MAKE SOMETHING UP, IF ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL PRESIDENTS OF ALL TIME – REALLY, NO ONE ELSE WAS EVEN CLOSE – HAPPENED TO LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE WITH WHAT THE RADICAL LEFTISTS MIGHT CALL “CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS” AND “A WIDE ARRAY OF IRREPLACEABLE ITEMS FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES,” AND THEN SOME OF THOSE ITEMS WERE LATER FOUND AT ONE OF THAT PRESIDENT’S AMAZING AND HUGELY SUCCESSFUL PROPERTIES, EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE. BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A PRESIDENT DOING WHATEVER HE NEEDS TO DO, EVEN IF IT INVOLVES GIVING HIS THIRD WIFE AN ORIGINAL COPY OF THE MAGNA CARTA BECAUSE HE FORGOT TO GET HER AN ANNIVERSARY PRESENT. HYPOTHETICALLY.

SOME LOSERS HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT FULL PRESIDENTIAL IMMUNITY WOULD TURN PRESIDENTS INTO KINGS. THAT’S A SICK LIE, AND I WILL HAVE WHOEVER SAID THAT EXECUTED ONCE I AM REELECTED KING OF AMERICA. OF COURSE I WILL ONLY BE A KING FOR ONE DAY. JUST ONE DAY. THEN THAT’S IT. I PROMISE.

REMEMBER, PATRIOTS, WITHOUT PRESIDENTIAL FREEDOM TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ALREADY DONE, OUR COUNTRY WILL CEASE TO EXIST. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL BE AN EASY DECISION FOR OUR GREAT SUPREME COURT, WHICH A PRESIDENT IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY ALLOWED TO STACK WITH IDEOLOGICAL JUSTICES IN EXCHANGE FOR BARRELS FULL OF MONEY.

MAGA!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk